Things I will not do at Hogwarts
by Sapphire L. Grey
Summary: The funny rules and guidlines that they don't tell you in the movies or books!
1. The Beginnig

**I didn't right these, but they're freaking hilarious!!! Reviews please!**

**Things I will not do at Hogwarts**

-I will not use t is not necessary to yell 'POOF!' every time I Apparate

.-I will not use Umbridge's quill to write 'I told you I was hardcore'.-

It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed, and I should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the results would be.

-Asking 'How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?' and walking away is only funny the first time

.-Any resemblance between Dementors and Nargles is coincidental

.-I am not allowed to declare an official Hug-A-Slytherin day.

-I will not charm the suits of armor to perform a rendition of 'Knights at the RoundTable' for the Christmas feast.

-The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball

.-I will not wear my 'DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT!' shirt to school.

-Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor is tasteless and tacky, not a good money-making concept.

-Seamus Finnegan is not 'after me lucky charms'.

-I am allowed to have a cat, rat, owl, or toad. I am NOT allowed to have a reticulatedpython, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, of piranha.

-42 is not the answer to every question in the OWL's.

-I will not claim my X-files tapes are 'Auror training videos'.

-I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintball.

-I will not tell the first years that they should build a treehouse in the Whomping Willow.

-My name is not 'Dark Lord Happy Pants'. I cannot sign my papers as such.

-Voldemort is not Ganendorf, and the Triforce is not hidden at Hogwarts

.-I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.

-I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand.

-I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.

-Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying 'the library is closed for an indefinite period'amusing in any sense.

-If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling 'It does DEATH!' may be correct, but is not the manner in which one should answer.

-'OMGWTF' is not a spell.

-I will not lock the Gryffindors and Slytherins in a room together and take bets on who will come out alive.

-First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.

-I will not bring a Magic 8 Ball to Divintation class.

-I will refrain from calling the Weasley twins 'Merry and Pippin'. I will also refrain from calling Harry and Ron 'Frodo and Sam'. It probably isn't smart to call Draco 'Legolas', either.

-I will never ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling.

-If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not to perform it.

-I will not steal Gryffindor's Sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.

-There is not, nor has there ever been, a fifth house. I am not in it. I am also not its founder.

-I do not weigh the same as a duck.

-I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.

-I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance in to a classroom

.-I will not follow my potions instructions in reverse just to see what happens.

-I will not thrust my wand into the air before casting spells yelling 'I have the power!'

-When fighting Death Eaters in the final battle, I will not thrust my wand skyward and yell 'there can only be ONE!'

-Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.

-I will not sing 'We're off to See the Wizard' when going to see Dumbledore.

-I will not attempt to magically animate my Marshmallow Peeps.

-Bringing fortune cookies to Divintation does not count as extra credit.

-I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him that they are real animals.

-I am not allowed to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.

-I am not allowed to refer to the Accio charm as 'The Force'.

-It's a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.

-'To conquer the world with an army of flying monkeys' is not an appropriate career choice.

-I am not an Animagus sloth.

-I will not say 'Dude, get a life!' to Voldemort.

-Lupin does not want a flea collar.

-I will not try to take out life insurance on Harry Potter.

-I will not lick Neville Longbottom's Toad.

-I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rock series during the Arithmancy exams.

-No matter how good an Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures.

-If a classmate falls asleep, I am not to take advantage of their slumber and draw a dark mark on their arm.

-I will not put books of Muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.

-I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

-I will not use ickle firsties as Christmas ornaments.

-Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play to the resident ghosts and poltergeists.

-When being interrogated by a member of the staff, I will not wave my hand and say 'These are not the droids you are looking for'.

-I will not sing the Badger Song at Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.

-I will not impersonate a Swedish Chef in Potions class.

-Albus Dumbledore's proper title is 'Headmaster', not 'My Liege'.

-I will not tell the first year students that Professor Snape is the voice of God.

-I am not allowed to send copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.

-I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor.

-I will not change the password to the Prefects bathroom to 'Makes getting clean almost as fun as getting dirty'.

-It is inappropriate to put sample bottles of Selsom Blue into Professor Snape's personal postbox.

-I will not douse Harry Potter's Invisibility Cloak in lemon juice to see if he turns visible while standing near the fire in the Common Room.

-I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesized her death.

-I will not attempt to recreate the Key of Time in Transfiguration Class.

-I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.

-'I've heard every joke about Oliver Wood's name' is not a challenge.

-I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.

-I should not refer to the DADA Professors as 'Canines in the coal mine'.

-I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbot, and Justin Finch-Fletchey as Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup.

-I will not make sock puppets of the Slytherin mascot.

-I will not yell 'Believe it… or not' after any of Dumbledore's speeches.

-Professor Flitwick is not to be referred to as Admiral Naismith.

-I will not start food fights in the Great Hall.

-I will not start of Herbology class by singing the theme song of 'Attack of the Killer Tomatoes'.

-Sirius Black did not found Sirius Cybernetics Corp.

-I will not teach the first years to sing 'A Wizards Staff Has a Knob on the End'.

-I will stop asking Professor Snape when we will learn to make 'Love Potion Number Nine'.

-I will not convince Ron Weasley to follow the butterflies.

-I will not perform Potter Puppet Pals in front of all of the Great Hall, no matter how enjoyable 'The Mysterious Ticking Noise' is.

-I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are 'covered in bees'.

-I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger.

-House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

-'Springtime for Voldemort' is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.

-Sirius Black is not #24601.

-I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.

-I will not greet Professor McGonagall with 'What's new, pussycat?'

-I will not add 'according to the prophecy' to the end of every sentence in Divintation class, just to raise my grade

-I am not to tell Muggleborn first years that Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean taste best when eaten a handful at a time

-I will not sing 'Defying Gravity' during Quidditch practice

-Let's narrow that down to I am not allowed to sing anything during Quidditch practice

-I am not allowed to Polyjuice myself into John DeLancie and Apparate into a Star Wars convention

-Providing Peeves with a case of Dungbombs was a socially irresponsible action and I will not do it again

-Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles of Firewhiskey, changing the labels does not do anything

-I am not to tell Nearly Headless Nick that he would lose his head if it wasn't attached, that is just cruel

-The four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smartarses, and the Junior Death Eaters

-Yelling 'To infinity and BEYOND' was only funny the first time I took off on my broom

-Telling Draco Malfoy to 'Make like a ferret and bounce' is always a bad idea

-No matter how creepy the dark abandoned towers are, I will not find Johny Depp with scissors for hands in any of them (DARN!!)

-I will not start a campaign to rid the world of mimes

-I am not allowed to flood the Chamber of Secrets, install an organ, wear a half mask, and play Andrew Lloyd Webber

-I am not allowed to tell the first years that there is a fifth house called 'Sparkleypoo' an I am in it

-I will not tickle a sleeping dragon just to see what happens

-I am not allowed out of my dorm room when visitors from the Ministry are here

-The Giant Squid is not to be referred to as 'My Lord Cthlulhu', nor am I allowed to sacrifice first years to it on the new moon

-First years are not play toys, I may not teach the Giant Squid to fetch them

-I will not tell the nervous new DADA teachers that they 'are entering a bull cage with a red shirt on in Spain'

-I will not sweep the common room with Harry Potter's Firebolt

-I will not scare the first years by telling the tale of an omniscient Auror who controls our destinies

-The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is 'You wanted to see me, Professor?' not 'I have it on good authority you have no evidence'

-Ron Weasley is not 'Boy Wonder', I will not Imperious him to wear green tights

-Putting a Snitch in Malfoy's pants really isn't all that funny, even if it does make him scream like a girl

Enchanting all brooms to hum 'The Sorcerers Apprentice' is really annoying

-Putting fake spiders all around Ron Weasley's bed is not funny, especially not when he tries to jump out the window

-Spiking the school's supply of pumpkin juice is not funny, no matter how much fun we had that night

-Remarking 'That's what your Mum said last night' to anything anyone else says was only marginally comical the first time. Harry does not find this funny, Sirius did, however

-Speaking like Yoda, does not a happy professor make. Funny, it is not

-Invisibility Cloaks should not be used to act out Clay Aiken songs

-I will not place anything by Silver Ravenwolf on the library shelves.

-It is exceptionally tasteless to serenade Professor Lupin with 'Moon River'

-The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason

-I am not being repressed

-Potter 6, Voldemort 0, is not an appropriate T-shirt slogan

-Even though they are easier to use and probably more effective, I will not use guns against the Death Eaters

-I will not charm Firenze pink and call him 'My Little Pony'

-It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that 'Once you go Black, you never go back'  
-Dobby, even though he apparently went to grammar school with him, is NOT Yoda in disguise

-I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuff's that there is no Santa Clause

-I am not allowed to shave Mrs. Norris and call her Mr. Bigglesworth.

-I am not allowed to sing "Holding Out For A Hero" whenever Harry Potter enters the room

-I am not allowed to change the password to the Hufflepuff common room and laugh when they cry because they can't get in

-If Lupin requests something of me, it is considered very rude to refuse by replying 'Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin'

-Recording a remix of 'It's A Hardknock Life' using the house-elves as vocal backup is not funny

-It probably isn't smart to ask Draco Malfoy if his hair glows in the dark

-Telling Umbridge cardigans are so last century will get you in trouble

-'Accidentally' dropping Polyjuice potion with Luna Lovegood's hair in Snape's drink is a very unhealthy hobby

-I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his 'time of the month'

-As hot as Cedric Diggory is, I will try to bring back his ghost, for I am not a necromancer

-I must not give Luna Lovegood a Harry Potter book and ask her to read it upside down to me

-I will try my hardest not to feel Draco's hair to see how greasy it is

-I must try not to burst out in a fit of giggles whenever someone gasps at the mention of Voldemort

-I will not insist the house elves serve fried snake to the Slytherins

-I will not tie-dye all of the owls

-I will not reenact Harry Potter Puppet Pals in the Great Hall, or anywhere else for that matter

-I will not write all my essays in red ink claiming it is blood

-I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwick's wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it

-I am not allowed to wear death eater robes to dinner and shout long live Lord Voldemort because I think it's funny

-Skiving Snackboxes are not a suitable gift for first-years

-I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snapes private chambers to watch him sing I Will Survive in the mirror, as it is disturbing

-I will not mock Dumbledore with exaggerated limb movements

-I am not allowed to draw a smiley face on my arm and tell everyone it's the new Dark Mark

-I will not ask Ginny how to properly strangle a chicken

-I will not draw an H on Percy Weasley's forehead

-Filch does not have a sister named Magenta

-Hogwarts does not have a student council. Even if it did, they would not wear the rose seal. Therefore I will cease going after the prefects with a sword

-I will not refer to Umbridge as Queen of the Toads, even if she really is

-It is wrong to refer to Aragog as 'Charlotte'

-I will not refer to the hippogryph as 'Horseybird'

-I will not 'borrow' a prefects' badge for Peeves

-I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice

-I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro-It was not an honest mistake

-Chemistry and Potions don't mix-Testing this last is not funny

-Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and I should not test that

-I am not possessed by the ghost of Lady Macbeth-Neither is The Fat Lady.

-Professor Snape does not enjoy being called 'Snookums', neither does he respond favorably to 'Sev', 'Snapey-Poo' or 'Debbie'

-I am not authorized to sell incriminating pictures of the faculty to students

-Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in June

-First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow

-Novelty or holiday-themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform

-There is no 'open-mike night' at Hogwarts

-There is no bring a Muggle to school day-And I should stop insisting there is

-The fact that Draco Malfoy is short, blond, pale-eyed and rat-faced is no reason for me to tell the Slytherins that Peter Pettigrew should be paying Narcissa child support

-I am not to conjure the words 'DRINK ME' onto the vial of any potion in Snape's classroom

-I will not go to any fundamentalist websites and argue that Voldemort is a direct contradiction of the concept of 'intelligent design'

-The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid

-Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from 'Phantom of the Opera'

-I will not send pictures of magical creatures to the Weekly World News

-I will not refer to 'The Grim' as a nice doggy; I will not refer as such to Remus Lupin, either

-When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite 'Fred and George Weasley' as my greatest influence at Hogwarts, putting down 'Lord Voldemort' is probably not best either

-I will no longer wear a hood; walk up to Harry, and claim to be his real mother

-I will not enchant the telescopes on the Astronomy Tower to display non-existent constellations during O.W.L. exams

-A Muggle 'vacuum cleaner' is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly-Hogsmeade village is not 'a wretched hive of scum and villainy'

-Sending rings to the nine senior faculties at Yuletide, with the return address 'Voldemort', is not funny

-I will not send Professor Snape toothpaste and Shampoo for Christmas

-I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord

-Humming/singing/referring in any way to Duran Duran's 'Hungry like the Wolf' around Professor Lupin is inappropriate. It's best not to bring up 'Thriller', either

-Taking red paint and writing creepy messages on the walls is not funny

-I may not have a private army-Not even if it technically belongs to someone else

-I should not encourage the house-elves to unionize-Nor am I to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy

-Portable Swamps are not funny

-Bubotubers are not filled with tasty honey, and it is wrong to tell First Years that they are

-Mad-Eye Moody knows his eye is creepy, he does not need to be told... again

-Mrs. Norris does not like playing with blast-ended skrewts

-Sneaking slugs into Ron's food is not funny. He does not like being reminded of his incident

-I am not the wicked witch of the west, I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either

-I will not melt if water is poured over me, neither will Professor Umbridge.

-Breaking into song during Potions class is not acceptable-Especially if the song is 'I feel pretty'

-Teaching first years to chorus in unison 'The amazing bouncing ferret' whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is just wrong, funny, but wrong


	2. Author's Note

**Hey everybody! Just to let you know, I have changed my pen-name to Sapphire L. Grey. Why? I really have no idea, I'm just bored. :D **


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